I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
