so that wasnt chicken after all
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
