Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
