My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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