if you like me you must not know who I am
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
