I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
