I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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