Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
