ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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