Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
