I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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