I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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