I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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