Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
