Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
It's just like the Real World with babies
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
