I am puke
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
where are you?
Hypothermia
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
