But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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