I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
