i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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