You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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