i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
