he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
