Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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