This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
