You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize