Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
