Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
