I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
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