nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
