i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
