i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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