I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
