shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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