ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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