Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
