We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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