why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
