Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
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