yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
