I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The chlamydia really affected his face.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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