Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
