At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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