Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
