she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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