Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
