The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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