From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
