i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
