I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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