Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
