I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
