okay pat passed out under dana's car
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
