I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
