I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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