Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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