I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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