Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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