just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
