I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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