So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
