just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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